Body Image

I've never been happy with the way my body looks. I get an occasional glimpse of happiness when I fit my buns into a smaller pair of pants or wear a size smaller than normal, but overall, I have very strong feelings of hatred towards my body type. I can generalize my issues as the same issues of most women.... lack of a firm tummy, cellulite on larger thighs, extra "fluff" around the hips. Why do I spend so much of my time concerned about how I look? I don't even want to look model-thin. I just want to look fit. In my mind I am fit, but my body says otherwise. Even with the 20-26 miles-a-week of running, light weights, and smaller meals, I feel like I can't get to a happy place.

I am especially critical of my small chest. I've been swimsuit shopping for months now trying to find the perfect suit. Believe me, just because it says XS it doesn't mean that it was meant for smaller-breasted women. In most cases, it was meant for stick-thin teenagers with large busts. So it's come down to me having to find a suit in the girl's department. It may fit, but I'm not too keen on sparkly stars, peace signs, hearts, and The Little Mermaid. I then tried the mature women's suits. I had bought a suit, but my husband wasn't too attracted to the amount of fabric. He was more concerned that when I get the suit wet, I'd drown in fabric. So I am in a state of disappointment with the swimsuit industry, but also with myself for not working hard enough to make my bottom half match the size of my top half. The 2-piece athletic suits are a perfect fit for my top, but I can't get my leg into the bottoms.

So this morning I spent hours running on my treadmill and eating a handful of Rice Chex here and there hoping that it will make a difference, and it will, but not where I want it to. A small honest comment made by my husband about my figure will be tattooed into my mind forever now. I can't understand why, but it will. He never said it to hurt my feelings or to make me feel bad. I must have supressed issues from my childhood. It's like the time my sister told me that I had "corndog arms". Yes, I was overly-tan from swimming and my shoulders were broad and my forearms were skinny. That was 15 years ago. I still work on my arms so they will never look like that again. I think of that comment often....almost everyday.

So how do you get to a continuous "happy place" with your body? How can you not feel down when all of the cute outfits and swimsuits weren't made for your body type? How do you get over honest comments that people close to you make about your body? I don't think that it's ok to say, "Oh well, I don't care what people think." I care. I care a lot. I care mostly that my husband remains attracted to me and that I am continuously improving the way that I look. I also care about how I behave around him and the kids and when I am spending hours on exercising and eating without enjoying what I eat, that is just a bad combination that leads to mood swings and agression.

I've seen results from my exercise and eating routines. I weigh less now than I did in high school. I feel stronger than I ever have and I am getting healthier meals on the table because my family deserves it. I guess for now, it should be the focus of my happiness. It just won't get me into a pair of size 2 jeans, a size 32A bra, or a triangle top string bikini....but maybe I should be dressing a little more age-appropriate anyways.