Boy CrAzY!

I had a "proud" moment a few days ago and I still think of it and it makes me laugh. I am not sure if would be considered something that makes me proud or if it just makes me feel good about my genetic gene pool, but I feel the need to share it with the world. It's kind of odd, but it is a sign of what I have to look forward to as a mother of 3 cookie-cutter boys. When I say cookie-cutter, I mean that they pretty much look like replicas of each other at different stages of life.

My oldest son, my dishwasher-unloader, white-hair picking, guitar-playing, brother-annoying, smart-as-heck-just-turned-13-year-old is out of town with his grandparents. He got to take a trip of a lifetime with the person (grandpa) that will provide him everything he's ever dreamed of because that is my dad's love language (hopefully you read the book too....very informative....love tanks....yeah...). I haven't heard from my son in a couple days because he is probably playing endless video games, watching movies-galore, and eating great food at restaurants that his own parents can't afford to take him to.

Here's the odd part of the story: He wasn't avaliable to pick up his middle school registration so his brothers and I went for him. Things went smoothly until I noticed an annoying giggling sound behind us. It got louder with some little high-pitched squealing and also some whispers and shooshing. OK. I turned around and there they were........a gaggle of girls (about 5 of them) following us around and pointing. I totally "get" the middle-school girl drama. I've been there, but Bryson wasn't even with me. He was in Albuquerque. They were following my lil guys around because they looked just like my oldest. Good grief! "He's sooo cute!....*squeek, squeek*" I couldn't understand half of what they were saying because my adult ears don't pick up on tone of that decibel.

So my oldest has a nickname now..."Bon-bon". I heard it a few times between the giggles. I vaguely remember hearing girls yell it out into the quad during Open House last year and I guess I didn't think that my son would have a bunch of girl groupies. He never talks about girls even when he is with his guy friends. I can imagine that they are as annoying to him as they were to me. One day, though, I am sure that things will change and the hormones of teenage life will mature and "girl-crazy" will hit our household like a trainwreck.

I thank God for immaturity. I thank God that my boys are late-bloomers. I thank God that they love to share with my husband and me. I pray that my boys will continue to be humble soldiers of God even when they realize that they are "cute" to the opposite sex. I pray that they know that good looks don't get them anything more than good looks. I pray that they always have the utmost respect for the opposite sex even when they act like a gaggle of geese. I pray that they strive to take the long road and do everything the "right" way even if it means that it is more difficult.

I've heard it so many times from parents that have girls..."Oh, it's so much more difficult to raise girls in this society." I don't know about that. I think that boys may have less "drama".....but they still have it. The challenge in boys is to raise them up to make mature decisions on how they will deal with girls/women. We need to provide our boys with enough wisdom and knowledge through words and actions about how to treat a woman and raise them up to be better people. We are raising our sons to be future head's-of-households and that is a very heavy weight that should not be taken lightly (oxymoron....LOL!).

Body Image

I've never been happy with the way my body looks. I get an occasional glimpse of happiness when I fit my buns into a smaller pair of pants or wear a size smaller than normal, but overall, I have very strong feelings of hatred towards my body type. I can generalize my issues as the same issues of most women.... lack of a firm tummy, cellulite on larger thighs, extra "fluff" around the hips. Why do I spend so much of my time concerned about how I look? I don't even want to look model-thin. I just want to look fit. In my mind I am fit, but my body says otherwise. Even with the 20-26 miles-a-week of running, light weights, and smaller meals, I feel like I can't get to a happy place.

I am especially critical of my small chest. I've been swimsuit shopping for months now trying to find the perfect suit. Believe me, just because it says XS it doesn't mean that it was meant for smaller-breasted women. In most cases, it was meant for stick-thin teenagers with large busts. So it's come down to me having to find a suit in the girl's department. It may fit, but I'm not too keen on sparkly stars, peace signs, hearts, and The Little Mermaid. I then tried the mature women's suits. I had bought a suit, but my husband wasn't too attracted to the amount of fabric. He was more concerned that when I get the suit wet, I'd drown in fabric. So I am in a state of disappointment with the swimsuit industry, but also with myself for not working hard enough to make my bottom half match the size of my top half. The 2-piece athletic suits are a perfect fit for my top, but I can't get my leg into the bottoms.

So this morning I spent hours running on my treadmill and eating a handful of Rice Chex here and there hoping that it will make a difference, and it will, but not where I want it to. A small honest comment made by my husband about my figure will be tattooed into my mind forever now. I can't understand why, but it will. He never said it to hurt my feelings or to make me feel bad. I must have supressed issues from my childhood. It's like the time my sister told me that I had "corndog arms". Yes, I was overly-tan from swimming and my shoulders were broad and my forearms were skinny. That was 15 years ago. I still work on my arms so they will never look like that again. I think of that comment often....almost everyday.

So how do you get to a continuous "happy place" with your body? How can you not feel down when all of the cute outfits and swimsuits weren't made for your body type? How do you get over honest comments that people close to you make about your body? I don't think that it's ok to say, "Oh well, I don't care what people think." I care. I care a lot. I care mostly that my husband remains attracted to me and that I am continuously improving the way that I look. I also care about how I behave around him and the kids and when I am spending hours on exercising and eating without enjoying what I eat, that is just a bad combination that leads to mood swings and agression.

I've seen results from my exercise and eating routines. I weigh less now than I did in high school. I feel stronger than I ever have and I am getting healthier meals on the table because my family deserves it. I guess for now, it should be the focus of my happiness. It just won't get me into a pair of size 2 jeans, a size 32A bra, or a triangle top string bikini....but maybe I should be dressing a little more age-appropriate anyways.

You know what makes me cry?

I'll tell you what makes me cry:

This entire past week was an emotional rollercoaster. I was tired. I was grumpy. It led to many moments of tears shed in my bathroom and soft sniffles as I sat at the edge of my bed.

My oldest son turned 13. We didn't have a big whoot-whoot birthday experience for him, but he did want to go out to dinner and he really enjoyed his new shoes and outfit (very practical). He hasn't gone through an obvious man-metamorphosis yet, but he has definitely outgrown that awkward pre-teen stage. (I observed it with him as his feet, teeth, arms, legs, and ego being too big for the rest of his body...the big ears, they'll never go away and I LOVE that!)

He still doesn't have armpit hair and I have yet to smell that deep robust aroma of cumin and onions coming from his armpits. He doesn't have pimples yet....Oh, wait. He had one. It made his dad teary-eyed, as if that was a sign of him becoming a man. I chalked it up to an excessive amount of french fries and other non-nutritions foods and a lack of showering.

He has man-sized discussions with us and uses man-sized vocabulary. When he questions a decision made, I have to give him a straight answer because "because I'm the mom" isn't enough. He's become much more social with people he doesn't know yet. He has shown great interest with the high school kids that he has interactions with. I don't even want to start with clothes, but they are obviously a HUGE deal.

I look forward to the teen years. I have much faith that he will travel the right path, and even with rocky roads, I pray that he will never be afraid to turn to us for help. It makes me cry because I have missed so many opportunities to enjoy him as a little boy. I cry because he makes me proud.

I also cry because I know that I still have 2 more boys that will eventually grow up and become men. They will break my heart, break my bank, break my belongings,... but I also look forward to all of the opportunities in which they will make me a proud mother too. I can't believe that I am raising boys to men. I guess I should have thought about that about 13 years ago when I started my journey...but it wasn't my plan. I really had little say in that.

I look forward to the day when I have all three of my men around me just enjoying our time together and laughing at the awkward moments of their pasts. I can't wait 'til the day when I can observe them as wonderful fathers and husbands just like their own dad and grandpas modeled for them.

But really, when it comes down to it....it's the PMS! It's the PMS that makes me want to cry ALL OF THE TIME!