Abby and Heloise

I LOVE Abby. I LOVE Heloise. We all know who "Dear Abby" is. Heloise is also syndicated like Abby. She is like her homemaker equivalent. People write to her asking for advice on how to clean ring-around-the-tub. Next to the comics, I get a little slice of joy reading from these two women and I take their advice to heart. I do wonder, though, what they would say behind my back if ever they were to shadow me around for a day. So, here is my life, according to what Abby and Heloise might think:

7:00 AM "Oh Dear. Her alarm is set to Air Supply. She should wake up to something a little more patriotic such as: "America, the Beautiful" or something sprite and chipper from Mozart."

7:30 AM "What is this 10-second-rule that she is mumbling about? A piece of toast should always be thrown away if it has fallen onto the ground...especially if is is jelly-side down. Children should always be fed a well-rounded breakfast such as eggs and bacon, not fruit cocktail from a can. Tsk, tsk."

8:00 AM "I assume that she will brush her hair before she leaves the house....uh...uh...Oh no, she didn't. How unattractive it is to be seen unkempt at her son's school like that?!"

8:15 AM "Well then, I am glad to see that she is finally going to get ready for the day. It would help if she didn't dress straight from the clothes basket. I am so happy to see though, that she is wearing the appropriate nude color nylon stockings with those slip-on shoes. A lady of her age should always wear socks with her shoes."

8:30 AM "Chapstik? Chapstik! A lady always wears lipstick and blush when leaving the house. We are surprised that this woman has a husband."

9:00 AM-12:30 PM "It is always more polite to smile and look as though you really enjoy your job. It may help pass the time more quickly."

12:30 PM "I do believe that she is singing out loud while driving home. I would expect that from a teenager, but not from a grown woman."

1:00 PM "Is she doing the dishes without gloves? Dry skin and wrinkles are so unattractive, but at least she is attempting to clean her kitchen....although, it is the afternoon. If done properly, a kitchen should be cleaned after every meal."

2:35 PM "OH NO! I don't believe that she even STOPPED that car before her son jumped in....and in a Red zone....this woman has some issues to be dealt with."

3:00-4:00 PM "A good attempt has been made to feed her children a healthy snack and to help them finish their homework. They are sitting at the table quietly working....but where is she now?...Is that her napping on the bed?"

4:00 PM "My, what a lovely apron....very important when opening the bag of Mandarin Chicken from Trader Joe's. (That was scarcasm)"

5:00 PM "Dinnertime is very important for families to reconnect. I do believe that this family has the right idea....but the flatulence and burping at the table is really a bit inappropriate."

5:30-7:30 PM "Downtime. Every family member needs a little time to unwind in their own way. As I see it, a little Mythbusters or Good Eats is fine for the entire family....but there she is again....napping."

7:30-8:00 PM "The bedtime routine is cut-and-dry here in her household. The boys know exactly what to do without complaining. It appears that it is the husband's job to brush teeth and say prayers. Delegating jobs is important, but it would be better for her to have a hand in bedtime tasks....instead of napping or watching 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' (that is pure smut!).

8:00-11:00 PM "Stealing a bubble of intimacy (phrase taken from Good Housekeeping...a magazine that she reads instead of folding laundry) with her husband is always a good thing. Catching up on 3 episodes of Criminal Minds may not be the most romantic way to set the mood though....Oh good...they're changing the channel....to...CSI. (Frown)"

11:30 PM "If a woman wants to wake up in the morning refreshed and without black bags under her eyes, she's going to need to go to bed much earlier than this. 9:00 Would be appropriate."

"In our humble opinion, we get many letters from readers that are in much worse condition. Elaine may not be the perfect homemaker or have perfect etiquette like us ladies, but she gets some credit for raising 3 boys. Some say that raising 3 boys is like a free ticket to heaven, but it's not. It only allows you to have an extra glass of wine with dinner, as long as it doesn't come from a box and that you pour it into a proper glass...not a plastic neon cup from IKEA."